walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize