So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
