he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
