well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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