I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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