Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
