So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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