Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My breasts were aching with rage.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
