You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
