I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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