I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
