We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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