I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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