I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
