I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize