I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize