Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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