I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
