Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
