apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize