i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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