im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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