a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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