When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
