Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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