Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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