I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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