Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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