im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
