i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
third nipple confirmed
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
