can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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