I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
