So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
