meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
