You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
