i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize