The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Randomize
