Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
