the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
