I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just had sex on a roof
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize