i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
