I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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