I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
