So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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