Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize