Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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