I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Someone signed my nipple.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
