Me. At least after what I've been through.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
