I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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