I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
