I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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