i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
