my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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