he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
