Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
