it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
