Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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