90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
