Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
