remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
