Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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