I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
