At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
