Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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