Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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