I don't usually arrange sex via text message
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
